Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
