May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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