She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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