I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
