im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
