She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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