Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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