i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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