It's Friday. Sex?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
