Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
