I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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