don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
