you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
