you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
