you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
