Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
