a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
