So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
