I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
