the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
