90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
