Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Randomize
