she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
