I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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