how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
