it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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