Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
