well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
