Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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