party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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