i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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