In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
