So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
