i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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