Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Damn victory sex feels great
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
