He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
