I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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