Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Randomize
