i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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