my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
