My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
