i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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