how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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