Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
