you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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