please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
