This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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