I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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