Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
