It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
