Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
